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The score is Love-30. I’m not talking about my last tennis match here, but rather my matches via E-Harmony.com. After Valentine’s Day this year and the local television station’s profile of Match.com, I received some spam with an offer of a “Free Communication” Weekend with E-Harmony.com. One of my friends has been using the service to meet people of the opposite gender, so I decided to check it out myself. Although a “match made in heaven” hasn’t been made yet for either of us, we both have been learning more about relationships.
I began that Friday evening at home, by visiting E-Harmony’s website. The first step in their process is to answer a variety of questions about various preferences in order to determine my, “personality profile.” This process takes about an hour and the “personality profile” is yours to keep for free. It is interesting to see what the results are and may even teach you a few things that you did or did not know about yourself. It helps if you answer the questions as honestly as possible to get the most accurate assessment of yourself. I would say this might be similar to taking a Myers-Briggs or other personality survey. Most of them also do not account for morality or religion, among other things in their profile or match characteristics.
There are a few additional questions that you answer that help guide the selection process. These are in addition to Neil Warren’s proven formula that provides “highly compatible” matches based on the questions you just answered. The additional questions allow you to choose your match area from people in the area you live to people from across the country. It also allows you to specify how important factors such as smoking, drinking, having children, etc are to you about your match and how they apply to yourself. Most of you may be interested in learning you can specify your religion and also what religions you wish matches to have.
There are several questions that you answer about yourself that indicate what is important to you, what your qualities are, and what others say about you. These help form your “About Me” section which provides the first glimpse of you to others. There are also pick lists that allow you to select “Must Haves” and “Can’t Stands” about your matches.
Just remember the audience in selecting how much information you reveal about yourself. Although this is a guided match service, there is no way for you or E-Harmony to deselect people that use the service in devious ways. I’ve heard from friends that some of their matches have revealed “less than Christian behavior.” It is always better and safer to for you to share aspects of your personal information as you are ready and as you grow and trust in a relationship. This is why the e-Harmony website only identifies people by their name and town at first and allows communication through their website. They gradually work up to allowing you to share emails and phone numbers in order to have “live” contact.
In addition, keep in mind that even though there is only your name and town listed, you can still find out a wealth of information about people. For example, there were a number of Lutheran pastors or church workers that were matched with me. I was able to find identifying information including their last name, school or congregation with which they have their call, their personal emails or phone numbers, and even photos on their church or school websites. For those who wish to keep their relationship information private, it is best to think about what is being shared. If you specify that you are Lutheran and want to meet Lutherans, there may be a smaller group of people with these criteria. You might be matched with your best friend of the opposite gender or your least favorite person or enemy (if you have one). Play it smart and be safe.
With Neil Warren’s “proven formula,” I was matched with a number of men that are “highly compatible” with myself. The first bit of information other than their name and town is their “About Me” section. Usually a read through this area will allow to you determine if there are characteristics of interest to you about the match or potential “turn-offs.” The next step in the “Communication Process” is to click on “start communicating” on your new match page. Usually you and your match will exchange guided information through the website at your leisure. Once the communication process has begun you can send a set of questions for your match to answer and they reciprocate. Then you exchange “Must Haves/Can’t Stands,” followed by a second set of questions. If you choose not to go through the guided process, there is a fast track method you can use to directly contact your match after you read Dr. Warren’s cautions.
Over the course of the weekend promotion, I was able to send and answer questions, as well as the “Must Haves/Can’t Stands,” but as soon as the promotion expired I was unable to communicate further without purchasing a membership. I do still receive daily matches and can read the “About Me” profiles. There seem to be several compatible matches that I’d be interested in learning more about. However, since I cannot communicate, a number of them have “closed” our match, an option if you feel that you don’t want to pursue a match. I have been able to put a number of matches “on hold” to perhaps pursue later this year when I have more time and a job after graduation.
One of my friends has dated several people she was matched with and some have worked out and some have not. It is a good way for folks to meet who may not be able to have a lot of interaction in their vocations otherwise. Some folks main interaction with the opposite gender comprise of children 20 years younger than them or perhaps elderly people at least 40 years older than them. It is safer than the “bar scene,” but I suspect many reading this don’t even go there.
There are a few questions you might ask yourself if you decide to pursue a match service.
- What are my expectations or why am I signing up for this service? Is it to find a spouse or just a friend of the opposite gender to spend time with?
- What is my match’s expectation or reason for signing up?
- What sort of timeline do you anticipate depending on how your relationship evolves? Are you in school and want a friend to hang out with only? What if you find you want to spend more time with this person? Will your vocations (school, job, family, etc) and the other person’s expectations allow you to spend time with each other without a negative impact on your other vocations or friend relationships?
- Can you afford the service? Some have fees that are geared for more the career oriented budget and not the student budget.
- Might there be any conflicts with my faith as a Lutheran? What if I get matched with a non Lutheran or someone whose values or morals might be quite different than I expected? Unfortunately on e-harmony, you can’t be more specific than Lutheran and in some areas there are a wide variety of Lutherans.
Be honest with yourself and the others with these services as many might be looking for long term relationships. Don’t take it personally if a match puts you on hold or closes a match. There isn’t a way to know the reasons for this and maybe you are a great person or great match, but the timing or life events prevent things from progressing at the present time.
I have learned more about match services through this process. I have also been receiving daily matches. It is refreshing to know that there are people out there in addition to the people in this group that are interested in me for who I am and if things work out according to God’s Will could end up being a future spouse.
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