Madre's Missives

She told me that he's been cutting himself.  She also said that he gets really angry about things.  She got worried about him and called his mom, and she put it on Helga to do something about it herself.  It seems that she just doesn't want to believe it. But what Helga is really afraid of is him getting violent with her one day.  Rupert is a military type guy.  He's really nice, but does seem to have a temper sometimes.  I didn't really know what to say to her about her fears of him hurting her.  She pretty much said that she wouldn't be surprised if it happened.  She doesn't want to just leave him, but she doesn't want that to happen either. She just doesn't want to look back and see that she could have prevented something from happening.

- Red Flags

Dear Red,

Yes, you and Helga should be concerned with the situation.  These are warning signs of impending abuse - if it's not already going on behind closed doors.

Sure, they look like a great couple, they've been together for years, get all openly gooey and kissyfaced with each other.  But clearly there's another side to the relationship that most people don't see.  That's how abuse works.  Even Rupert's own mother refuses to see it when she's told.

He's cutting himself.  People cut for a number of reasons, some more disturbing than others.  He should get help to deal with whatever's behind that.  Somewhat more concerning than his self-injury, however, is the looming fear that he would injure your friend.

We all get angry, we all have temper tantrums and get pissy with our loved ones from time to time.  But when someone we know better than anyone else, someone we love more than anyone else, gets so angry and unpredictable that we fear for our own safety around him, that's another story.

One of the insidious things about abuse is the way we become desensitized to it and learn to dismiss our very real concerns about the situation as overreactions.  Many people don't consider abuse "real" unless it's physical.  But it's the emotional and psychological effects that take much longer to heal than bruises and broken bones.

No woman thinks that she could ever be in an abusive relationship, not her, not today.  That happens to lower-class, uneducated women with poor self-esteem.  Not college-educated, middle-class, attractive, confident women who have been taught from middle school to be suspicious about men and stand up for themselves.  It happens to all types of women from all sorts of backgrounds.  And this is how it frequently starts.  Uneasiness, concerns, red flags...that all get dismissed until one day something happens that cannot be dismissed any more.

I'm not saying that Rupert is an abuser, but Helga already fears him enough that she's approached his own mother, and now she's confided in you.  The red flags you're both seeing are real and she, especially, needs to pay attention to them.  No one should be afraid of someone who is supposed to love and care for them.  If Helga wants to prevent him from hurting her one day, she needs to set some boundaries on acceptable behavior from him and be willing to enforce them.

You're all in my prayers,

- Madre