Madre's Missives

So what is abuse?  Where do you draw the line between potentially boorish behavior and abusiveness?  Abuse is not about just being violent, it is about seeking to control another person through means of fear.  There need not be a lot of actual violence for a relationship to be abusive.  The threat of violence is also a very effective way to gain and keep control, and many victims of abuse say that it's much easier to heal from broken bones and bruises but the emotional and psychological effects of abuse last far longer.  Of course, some of the things that are listed don't appear to be so bad, much less abusive, taken independently.  But in a context of fear and control, they take on new significance.

Definition of Abuse
Systematic pattern of behaviors in a relationship that are used to gain and/or maintain control and power over another.

Types of Abuse

Emotional Abuse
Emotional abuse includes hurting another person's feelings by saying cruel, unfair comments or by name calling, such as:

• cursing, swearing and/or screaming at you
• repeated harassment, interrogation or degradation
• attacks on self-esteem and/or insults to your person (name-calling, put-downs, ridicule)
• attacks on and/or insults about people you care for, your family and friends
• threatening to "come out for you" at work or to your family
• controlling and/or limiting your behavior (e.g.: keeping you from using the phone or seeing friends, not letting you leave the room or the house, following you and monitoring or limiting your phone conversations, checking the mileage on your car, or keeping you from reading material, ideas, activities and places that he does not like)
• interrupting you while you are eating, forcing you to stay awake or to get up from sleep
• blaming you for everything that goes wrong
• forcing you to do degrading things (e.g.: making you kneel, making you beg for money)
• using the difference in physical size to intimidate you
• criticizing your thoughts, feelings, opinions, beliefs and actions
• treating you like a servant or "underling" in matters of household chores and decisions
• being extremely jealous, constantly accusing you of flirting or of cheating
• spitting at or near you
• using money to control you (e.g.: taking money from you, giving you an allowance, controlling how extra money is spent, forcing you to ask for and account for any money you get, and acting like the work you do at home is of no economic value to the family)
• telling you that you are "sick" and need therapy
• using physical disabilities against you or putting you down for your disability

Psychological Abuse 
Psychological abuse is any threat to do bodily harm to a partner, a child, a family member, friends, pets, or one's self (suicide). Psychological abuse involves not only hurt and anger, but also fear and degradation. The purpose of psychological abuse is to render you emotionally insecure about your own self-worth and to render you helpless and/or not able to escape further physical, sexual and/or psychological abuse. Examples include your partner:

• threatening to punch, hit, slap or kick
• threatening to use a weapon
• threatening to harm him/herself if you leave
• threatening to punish children to "get back" at you
• threatening to harm pets
• throwing objects in your direction
• vague threats such as: "You're going to get it," or "I'm really going to let you have it"
• harming a pet to "get back" at you
• smashing and breaking things
• throwing objects around the room
• punching walls, slamming doors
• hiding, stealing or destroying your possessions
• sabotaging your car
• any emotional abuse which in the past was a prelude to physical or sexual abuse

Sexual Abuse 
Sexual abuse is any non-consenting sexual act or behavior. Examples include your partner forcing sexual activity when:

• you indicate "no" and your limits are not respected
• you are sleeping
• you are drunk or high and are unable to say "no"
• you are afraid to say "no" 

Or when your partner:

• insists that you dress in a more sexual way than you wish to dress
• makes demeaning remarks about how you dress
• makes demeaning remarks about your body and/or body parts
• minimizes your feelings about sex
• berates you about your sexual history; blames you if you were sexually abused in the past or as a child
• criticizes you sexually (calling you "frigid," for example)
• insists on touching you sexually when you do not want to be touched, either when the two of you are alone or in the presence of others
• calls you degrading sexual names
• has affairs with other women (often flaunting them) after agreeing not to have sex with anyone but you
• physically attacks sexual parts of your body, (grabbing your breasts, pinching your buttocks, any touch that is unwanted)
• forces you to perform any specific sexual act that you do not wish to do

Physical Abuse 
Physical abuse is any forceful or violent physical behavior. Examples include:

• slapping
• choking
• punching
• kicking
• pinching
• pushing
• shoving
• biting
• spanking
• scratching
• grabbing
• throwing bodily
• burning
• restraining
• spitting
• Other behaviors in this category include throwing objects at the partner, or using or threatening to use a weapon of any kind (stick, ruler, belt, whip, knife, spoon, gun...)

(http://www.mndap.org/default.asp)