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In August 2001, the LCMS President's Commission on Women published a
excellent booklet entitled "Has God Abandoned Me?".
Following is an exerpt from that on getting help if you are in an abusive
relationship:
As an abused woman, you not only face the decision whether or not to separate
from your husband, but a variety of other practical issues. These may
include: finding a job, finding a place to live, how to deal with very mixed and
troubling emotions, choosing a counselor, finding resources, or handling
children.
Deciding whether or not you should go to your pastor for physical and
spiritual help may be difficult. Many abused woman feel that either the
pastor will not understand or will think poorly of her if she speaks to him
about the abuse. The majority of pastors have great concern and compassion
for their congregation, and therefore would be eager to be helpful and
supportive of abused women. Your pastor will probably see your approaching
him about the abuse as an act of courage. However, you still may not be
sure what your pastor's reaction will be. Therefore you need to trust your
own instincts and judgment. If you are not comfortable about talking to
your pastor at this time, then you are free not to go to him. If you
decide to tell your pastor, it is crucial for you to be honest about the
abuse. You do not want him to think that what you are saying about the
abuse is only ordinary marital conflict or the every day tensions that every
marriage experiences. If you do not honestly inform him about the abuse
you are experiencing, then his advice will be focused on reconciling the
marriage, not on protecting you from further abuse.
After clearly communicating that your husband is abusing you, listen to your
pastor's counsel. Be prepared to help him understand just how serious the
situation is as he asks questions so that he can better understand your
circumstances. Many pastors have not received specific training on
how to handle domestic violence. While they may not be able to offer you
all the specific advice you need regarding domestic violence, they are there to
bring you the Gospel comfort that will help you through the situation.
Sometimes pastors or other well-meaning friends, may give you unwise
advice. For example, they may say, "Don't worry, God will take care
of you." or "Go home, pray harder, and be a better wife."
Or, "Submit to your husband, no matter what." In an abusive
relationship, this type of advice is counterproductive. Regardless of who
will support you, there is help available to break the cycle of violence in your
life.
Another support person can be a counselor. A good counselor, secular or
Christian who understands domestic violence can be very helpful. A
counselor can help you look at your particular situation and provide
guidance. Be aware that they counselor should not tell you what to
do. He or she should help you carefully evaluate your situation, gain
insight about your situation, but then allow and encourage you to make the
decisions about what you will do...
It is important to consider your faith when selecting a counselor. You
may decide to use a Christian counselor. Even though the counselor is
Christian, she may not share your religious beliefs, which could increase your
level of distress and confusion. It is OK to ask questions about the
counselor's religious beliefs or about any other concerns you may have about the
counselor. Sometimes, depending on your situation, only secular counseling
is available. Do not despair. Some secular counselors are as
respectful of your spiritual convictions as Christian counselors. God can
use non-Christians to provide for your needs. To alleviate any fears or
concerns, feel free to ask the counselor questions. No matter what the
counselor's religious beliefs, he or she must have experience working with
domestic violence or be knowledgeable about the cycle of violence.
Continue looking for a counselor if he/she does not understand the cycle of
violence. Your pastor may be able to recommend a good counselor, and
during your counseling, particularly if you choose to use a secular counselor,
stay in close contact with your pastor, so he can extend to you the ministry of
the Gospel.
What do you think? Good advice? Does domestic violence really
need that specific of counseling? Pastors, have you received specific
training on identifying and ministering to families where domestic violence
takes place? Do you feel prepared if someone should approach you
today? Do you agree with the advice presented or do you disagree that some
of the advice is counterproductive?
Edited on: October 25th, 2005 5:11 am
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