Madre's Missives

Dear Madre... Flirting 101

Dear Lost,

I'm glad that you've got yourself a new friend to hang out with. I assume he meets all of the Good Guy criteria or you wouldn't even bother caring if he "likes you-likes you", or just "likes you".

Don't knock kid sister status. It's good to get to know each other without having to worry about sending or receiving "romantic" signals. But it sounds like it's time to test the waters with a little Flirting 101. If you want see if there's something possibly different going on, your mode of communication needs to be adjusted slightly. 

The key concept here is to be SUBTLE. A little goes a long way. Coming on too strong can ruin everything and make you lose your friendship entirely and you don't want that.

We have a certain air of "comfortability" with our "brothers" that we wouldn't have with our beaux (an air also sometimes known as "frumpiness" and "being one of the guys"). Kid sisters generally don't care what they look like to their brothers, they don't care too much about showing good manners or being particularly thoughtful.

The easiest way to not be seen as "frumpy" or "one of the guys" is to put a little effort into looking more...well, girly. Dress up a little. Put on some clean and non-ratty jeans. Wear a pretty top -- not revealing, but something cute. The idea is to look nice, not like a common gardening tool. Curl your hair. Smell pretty. Maybe throw a little makeup at your face. If you need help with some of these things, ask your mom or an aunt. Splurge a little on yourself and get your hair cut in an attractive but easy-to-do style. Ask the beautician for tips on doing it different ways. If you need makeup help, check out the department store counters next time you're at the mall. The makeup artists there will be happy to do a free lesson for you and teach you to SUBTLY (there's that word again) enhance your features without making you look like a drag queen.

Really, much of flirting is just paying attention to a guy and making him feel comfortable and important. Ask him questions, listen to what he says. Cheer him on at sports events, compliment him on his achievements. Touch is also a very important way to communicate in these situations. (Do NOT go pawing at him.) Again, the key here is to BE SUBTLE. A tiny "unnecessary" physical contact can communicate volumes. Maybe lightly touch his shoulder to get his attention or make a point, or brush his arm as you laugh at a funny joke he made, or lean in to make an aside comment under your breath just to him, or "accidentally" bump his foot under the table. If he responds in kind, then you'll know he probably feels the same way too and he'll get the signal that you won't shoot him down in a blaze of fire. Or if you're not the touchy-feely type or just aren't comfortable with letting people into your personal bubble, you can drop verbal hints such as: "That sounds like fun...I've always wanted to try that," or even, "You should come and visit my church sometime, my pastor is awesome and really delivers the Gospel." ;)

Guys are really shy and extremely sensitive to rejection. They're not likely to do anything to change the relationship from sister/brother to "more than friends" unless they're pretty sure you're already interested in the same thing. He's probably just as nervous about the situation as you are. Be subtle. Be gentle.

The thing is, that gentle and quiet spirit is what God has uniquely given to women (1 Peter 3). The right guy will notice gentle and quiet (i.e, SUBTLE) messages like the above and then you can SLOWLY get to know each other in a more emotionally and spiritually intimate way. It's the beauty that you have been given through faith in Christ, the graciousness of one who lives through the grace given her that makes you truly beautiful, before God, and before men as well.