Madre's Missives

Inadvertent and Occasionally Intentional Thoughts

Dear Madre: "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?"

Posted On: April 23rd, 2008 at 4:47 pm

Dear Madre,

I'm in college and living away from home in an apartment near campus with some friends. I even have a boyfriend (finally!). He's really sweet and thoughtful and all my friends really like him too. He's even Lutheran!

But he goes to another school a couple of hours away so we really only get to spend time together when he comes to visit, about twice a month for a weekend. I'm really committed to remaining a virgin until I get married, but sometimes we fall asleep cuddling on the couch, and he's slept with me in my bed a few times too. Is it wrong of us to sleep together when he comes to visit if we're really truly just sleeping?

Lady Strawberry Jam

Dear Lady,

Congrats on the Lutheran boyfriend! However, I must remind you that any man worth his salt wouldn't put you or your reputation in such a compromising position as to intentionally plan to spend the night in your apartment, much less your bed, when he comes to visit. Surely you have some male friends who can let him sleep on a couch or patch of floor for a weekend! Aren't you worth the extra effort?

Well, I guess it's not technically a sin to "just sleep" with someone of the opposite sex. But that doesn't make it right or even "not wrong". It's one thing to fall asleep cuddling during a late night movie on the living room couch when other people are home, but it's quite another to "go to bed" in your bedroom together.

Even if you're "not doing anything", sharing a bed with a man is hardly something that could be described as chaste or decent behavior (review the 6th commandment and explanation). It's like living with a boyfriend and playing house together, pretending like you're a married couple and doing intimate things that, normally, only married couples do together (like sharing a bed). But you're not married. You're not even living together. You're just doing it for the night.

And we all know what sorts of things happen in beds, under covers, in the dark, and it's not just sleeping. Even if it is "completely innocent" now, there will come a night when one or both of you lay down with hormones percolating away and you'll "accidentally" have "unplanned sex". Or you'll manage to hold out and "technically" remain a virgin.

What it comes down to is that 1. It's inappropriate and harms your reputation as a chaste Christian young woman who prizes her virginity and 2. It's playing with fire and eventually, to one degree or another, you will get burnt.

It's nice to wake up in the arms of a strong man who cares for you. It feels good. That's the idea. Let that be your husband.

- M

Edited on: April 24th, 2008 11:49 am